Modest proposals: Sexual harassment and the 2016 election

Published 9:08 am Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Jonathan Swift, Anglo-Irish satirist, Dean of St. Patrick’s Cathedral in Dublin, and author of “Gulliver’s Travels,” published “A Modest Proposal” in 1729. Swift’s tongue-in-cheek essay encouraged the impoverished, starving Irish to sell their prodigious supply of children to the wealthy to eat. His essay included tips on how to best prepare and serve the uniquely Irish dish. Swift’s satire was intended as criticism of the ruling parties for failing their desperate citizens.  
I have similar modest proposals, though not involving cannibalism.  
First, we should adopt the MAD Protocol to deal with rampant sexual harassment in Washington and Hollywood. Not the Mutually Assured Destruction doctrine that led to the massive arms race with Russia during the cold war, but the Men Are Dogs rules of conduct.
The groping, touching, and unwanted sexual advances are manifestations of something we all know is true: men are dogs when it comes to sex and should be treated as such with shock collars and Tasers.
Forcible rape, statutory rape, and other serious sex crimes must be prosecuted. Civil suits may be appropriate, too. But for the Al Franken-type of harassment, electric shocks, delivered immediately with force, are more effective. Known offenders would be required to wear shock collars and women around them armed with activation devices.
Civil and criminal prosecutions of Judge Roy Bean Moore in Alabama are barred by statutes of limitation. If the allegations are true, his victims should be allowed to shock the hell out of him for a reasonable period of time. Leeann Tweeden says she has forgiven Al Franken, but I say let’s give her and his other victims a Taser and thirty minutes with comedian Al, who might not think 50,000 volts are so funny.
Second, let’s declare a truce and grant amnesty to everyone involved in the 2016 elections. Dismiss the Manafort, Gates, and Papadopoulas indictments. Let General Flynn off the hook. Shut down Mueller’s special counsel investigation.
In exchange, the Clintons get a pass for destroying 33,000 emails; paying $12 million to Fusion GPS to create the fictional dossier on Big D and Russia; selling 20% of U.S. uranium ore deposits to Russia in exchange for $500,000 to Bill and $145 million to the Clinton Crime Foundation. The Clintons also get amnesty for the scores of felonies they’ve committed in their lengthy criminal careers, including crimes known and unknown.
As a condition for maintaining their freedom, the Clintons must use the estimated $2 billion they raised in their Foundation and in the Clinton Global Payola Syndicate to buy back for the U.S. the 20% of U.S. uranium ore deposits they sold to Uranium One.
Additionally, Democrats and the media have to admit Big D won the election; Hillary must cease and desist her decade-long book tour; Maxine Waters has to submit to a permanent gag order; and former FBI chief James Comey must be deported to The Netherlands, home of the world’s tallest men.
Robert Mueller and former Attorney General Loretta Lynch will not be investigated for their major roles in the cover up and derailing of the investigation into the bribes and payoffs made to complete the Uranium One deal.
This will clear the way for Big D and Congress to work on the U.S. economy, tax reform, health care reform, trade deals, North Korea’s threat, banning obese people from nude beaches, and other things that matter to people outside the Beltway.
I know a general amnesty will not satisfy zealots at each end of the political spectrum. But let’s face it. Bill and Hillary will never be convicted by a jury chosen in D.C., which will consist primarily of African-American Democrats, 98 percent of whom voted for the Clintons.
Jurors chosen to serve in major criminal trials now enter the jury deliberation room infected with the vicious political and racial animus that plague our nation. Jurors’ prejudices have become more important than the facts or the evidence in highly-publicized cases.
But discussion of this third modest proposal, jury system reform, must wait for another day. 

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